Dear Rep. Curt Webb,

We don’t know each other, but I’m reaching out because I owe you an apology. As a nursing mother in Utah who has the audacity to be in public, I have — when needed — breast-fed my child in places where others might see.

When I read about your passionate testimony last week expressing your personal discomfort when witnessing the act of women sustaining our species, I felt just terrible.

“This seems to say you don’t have to cover up at all,” you said about the bill that would make it explicit that women can breast-feed in public. “I’m not comfortable with that, I’m just not. It’s really in your face.”

Scott Sommerdorf | The Salt Lake Tribune Rep. R. Curt Webb, R-Logan, votes in the Utah House of Representatives, Wednesday, February 8, 2017.

Some might say that it’s not in your face, Rep. Webb, it’s in the baby’s face, but I think I know what you meant, and your words struck me profoundly. I realized that I never once — literally, not even a single time — considered you or your comfort level with my flamboyant baby developing abilities.

The whole time I’ve been mastering the gentle juggling of a probably-fussy mini-me, I’ve thought only about his comfort and how I’m providing him with customized immunity-building and IQ-boosting nutrition. So shortsighted!

It never occurred to me how uncomfortable it must be for those who choose to sexualize us; they obviously have manners and know to keep their erections private, but here I am providing lunch for my child IN PLAIN SIGHT. The nerve! Slutty, immodest nerve.

Bodily fluids and human bonding are not meant to be seen outside the home! Let me know if you’d like to support drafting a bill to ban public nose-blowing, hand-holding, and loogie-hocking. You’d have my full support.

Or maybe we should think about mandating thorough coverage for these more personal activities? There are some interesting wardrobe options in places like Saudi Arabia from which we could borrow ideas. Or do you think we should relegate all eating to be done at home, under blankets or in public restrooms? Just trying to think this through …

Anyway, again, I want to express my humble apology for neglecting your needs and emotions as I nourish the future of our society. And I want to thank you for valuing modesty over all else. Where would we be without leaders with such strong moral compasses?

I salute you, sir, and your functionless nipples. May they see the world and shine in public as a beacon of sensibility and morality.

Warmly,

Marina Gomberg

PS: If you see an exposed woman nursing her too-cute-to-cover son in the House gallery, it’s Harvey and me! Just there to help prove how disruptive and upsetting public child rearing can be. You’re welcome!

Marina Gomberg’s lifestyle columns appear on sltrib.com. She is a communications professional and lives in Salt Lake City with her wife, Elenor Gomberg, and their son, Harvey. You can reach Marina at mgomberg@sltrib.com.